I have been playing Alice in Wonderland on my daughter’s pink ds after she’s gone to bed. It might allegedly be aimed at seven year olds but I have become strangely addicted to the game to the point of dreaming about it and I think I have hit on the reason why. The main objectives of the game are facilitated by the player having to collect the jigsaw pieces to reassemble Underland which is falling apart.
I haven’t blogged for a while and I have re-written paragraphs several times trying to find a comfortable way to describe how my personal circumstances have led my whole world to end up in pieces. As it turns out I don’t seem to be cut out to wear my heart on my blog and I’ve deleted every one I’ve written – hence my hiding behind all the Alice metaphors!
There’s no huge drama as such, well not compared to many people, but somehow I feel as though I’ve got someone else’s life on at the moment. A series of circumstantial and emotional upheavals have left me totally upside down. A friend described the feeling that she is only too familiar with as looking down on your life and seeing a bird’s eye view of a completely unfamiliar landscape. I knew exactly what she meant, all the elements are there but they aren’t quite fitting together anymore.
I’ve tried a few times now to start putting the pieces back together but each time I have been a little premature I think! Much as I would love to get dropped straight back on to the right jigsaw piece I am old enough to realise that I have to follow the right path and open all the right doors to get there. There are lots of stray jigsaw pieces in my world and it will take time to put them all back.
So here I am, at the first jigsaw piece. Wychbury is a definite corner, a starting point and the piece that keeps the rest of the jigsaw from falling away like wet cake! I have forgotten this recently, forgotten the sense of self I get from designing and making, the pride I get from selling and the support I get from the community associated with my chosen career.
Lately, through some messed up psychology that only a professional would understand, I have felt undeserving of the right to immerse myself in something that evokes all these positive emotions. What used to feel like a responsibility, a calling even, felt like an indulgence. How can I sit and sew when everything is in such a mess? I convinced myself that I didn’t have the time or the energy for something as selfish as trying to run my own business and that a more suitable pursuit would be the excessive consumption of wine and cheesecake. This is all very well and yummy but this ‘eat me/drink me’ attitude has left my motivation feeling very small indeed!
Months have gone by in a jumble and it is time for order again…I feel a jigsaw habit forming! Paula x